(Allegedly By John Cleese: British writer, actor and tall person)

The ENGLISH are apparently feeling uneasy due to recent events in the Middle East and elsewhere; and have therefore raised their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED.”

Informed sources report that security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even “A BIT CROSS“.

The English have not been A BIT CROSS since the BLITZ in 1940; when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “TIRESOME” to “A BLOODY NUISANCE“.

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada (and the Spanish Inquisition).


The SCOTS have raised their threat level from “PISSED OFF” to “LET’S GET THE BASTARDS!!”  They don’t have any other levels. (Which explains why they have been the “shock troops” of the British army for the last 300 years!)



The FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “RUN” to “HIDE“. The only two higher levels in France are “COLLABORATE  and “SURRENDER“. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.


ITALY has increased the alert level from “SHOUT LOUDLY and EXCITEDLY” to “ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING“. Two more levels remain: “INEFFECTIVE  COMBAT OPERATIONS“; and “CHANGE SIDES“.



The GERMANS have increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE” to “DRESS in UNIFORM and SING MARCHING SONGS.” They also have two higher levels: “CONQUER the WORLD” and “THEN LOSE.”


The BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday (as usual). The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.



AUSTRALIA, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “NO WORRIES” to “SHE’LL  BE ALRIGHT, MATE!”  Two more escalation levels remain: “CRIKEY! I THINK WE’LL NEED to CANCEL the BARBIE this WEEKEND!” and “THE BARBIE is CANCELLED! BUGGER!” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.



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