|I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of our shared past; and for future generations. But, sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. The last three years has made me realize that I want a divorce.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all. We’ve compromised everything that either of us can. Now we face nothing but impasse. So let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country; each taking a similar portion. This, of course, will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
- We’ll keep the concept of American Exceptionalism. You can have Moral Relativism.
- You can have Liberals, Progressives, Socialists, Communists, Environmentalists and “Black-Box” Anarchists. We’ll keep capitalism, “greedy” corporations, pharmaceutical companies, and Wal-Mart.
- We don’t like redistributive taxes, you can keep them. You are also welcome to liberal judges, the ACLU, ACORN, PETA, and George Soros.
- We’ll keep Donald Trump (with reservations), and the Koch Brothers.
- Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the US Military. (Except the Coast Guard: I think joint custody would be in order.)
- We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry. You can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
- You can keep Michael Moore, Bill Maher, the girls of The View (except for Elizabeth!), and the Daily Show.
- You can have your lifelong welfare dwellers, food stampers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
- We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, small business owners and rednecks.
- You can have Hip-Hop music; we’ll keep Country!
- You keep ABC, CBS, NBC/MSNBC, CNN, Al Jazeera and Hollywood (except for Gary Sinise, Mel Gibson and Tom Selleck). We’ll keep Fox News.
- You can have the State Department, and try and make nice with Iran, Pakistan, North Korea and the Palestinians. We’ll retain the Pentagon, and the right to invade and hammer the places that threaten us.
- You can have the Occupoopers, labor union thugs, tree-huggers and eco-terrorist . We’ll keep the Tea Party patriots.
- You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and political correctness. We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
- You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
- We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
- You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
- We’ll keep “The Star Spangled Banner” and “America the Beautiful”. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “Kumbaya” or “We Are the World”.
- Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
The No Longer Silent Majority!